Not Just Me

I have been making myself miserable. It has been building since school started and I am just so utterly worn out from the waves of stress that toss me around and roll over me.

Why can't I just trust God to take care of all the deadlines and pressures I've been under? I'm so pathetic. Lately I've been a slacker at life. I've ignored my duties as a wife, daughter, and child of God. I think the world evolves around me and take it upon myself to do everything like I'm superwoman. I fall so short though.

Today I took time out of my "oh so busy" schedule to focus on God and I was surprised when he felt distant to me. Duh Rachel, oh course when you treat God as a guest instead of an inhabitant of my life, he is going to act like a guest-polite and reserved. That's not what I want though, I want God to know all of it about me (which he does already) but in a way in which I bring it all before Him. Jesus was the most important man to EVER walk the face of the earth and yet he was able to treat others with love, compassion, and hope. Jesus took it all into the big picture of God's plan, not his own plan. He knew there was no other way. And yet here I am taking things into my own hands and trying to run my own life. I've forgotten that my life is not important. There's something seriously wrong with me when I forget to let love lead my actions. AND THE GREATEST IS LOVE. I've forgotten that and I'm in the valley walking way below God's path on the mountaintop. I'm still going in his general direction, but I'm doing it my way and not holding his hand. I'm like a tempermental toddler wanting to do things without any help from my father.

Good thing is that I've realized it and can try to get back on track now. Lord please help me and speak to me sweetly from the mountain top again.